I seek

I seek assurance
every time I look at you
Unblinking
Just listening to the sound
of how you may say it this time
Would you, at all?
Or will I cross this Rubicon alone.

I seek remembrance
when I sometimes escape the world
hoping maybe this time I'd deceive time
and sit by the stars
forever
as years take a flight back
behind fascinated eyes.
Do you see me
as I see you tonight
Or is it just me all over again?

I seek that happiness
the one that drenched me in colors
I knew no shades of,
in folds of which
I vanished for those winter nights
the ring of your name, it was
I say it again today
but it has lost it's perfume
and sound.
Are you there
or like everything I ever loved,
you too are going...
Gone?

I seek me
in your eyes
in your arms
in your dreams
in your life
in your lies
in your excuses
in your tears
in your home
in your silences
in your smile
but where I finally did find myself
it was
in your goodbye.

So today,
I seek you
to tell you I'm fine
to smile and ask how you are
to hug you and say I'll remember you
to hold your hand one last time
to feel how I felt all these years
and slowly, let go
of everything I wanted
of everything that could be
let flashes of lightning
pour sparkles on me
let clouds sashay in
and rob away what I used to be with you
let rain wash away
memories
and
let you
lose me.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry