A wish: set in stone, met in ashes

Where once lived laughter
A broken smile resides doors ajar
The girl whose eyes surpassed sunlight
In a dark room, lay staring in seemingly vacant space.

The 'don't fall prey to the clutches of love' philosophy he boasted of
Who knew he would one day regret
With tears streaming down his face, confessing his love
Holding her lifeless hand, seated by her bed.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Somewhere in me

Was a chilly windy morning

I waited, bated breath

My eyes contained a hundred million dreams set to snow

My lips withheld the kiss of death.

Been stood up all my life

It was nothing new

Maybe I was hoping against the odds

My bad, I unfailingly believed in you.

A hug would have broken me down

in pieces you could never put back together

A tear in your eye would have fueled a fire

to the pyre of us wherein my life would burn forever.

What silence gave me is something you couldn't muster

I knocked your door, that morning, not for love but a closure

I stood there until today, I might walk by many a times

At peace to see you happy in someone else's arms.

I gave you the part of me

The one that kept me alive

The one you broke and smashed

The one I'll never have back.

Maybe you will never know

There is something I still keep safe

With the waters of hurt taking me down to the sharks of time

Somewhere in me, you still live.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Incognito

There must be a reason for you to still be in here
In this heart you broke a countless times
There must be a time you miss me too
And maybe in that moment we coincide
For I miss you always.

Even if I close my eyes
Your face won't vanish away
Even if I proclaim how I don't think of you anymore
I love you the most in the very seconds
wherein I scream hatred.

Glossed lips and pretty eyes
I, on the contrary, wear a camouflaged smile
Sometimes a hug, sometimes fingers intertwined
I have no words to describe how the sight
hammers my insides.

The best part comes now
As I am packing my life to move away, you turn up at my door
Do you have any idea how suffocating it is to contain tears I can't let flow
Or not search for something to throw
when you hand me over your wedding note.

All these years, even after letting you go
Were you too blind to see how amazingly I put on a show
Of having no second thoughts on making it work
I kept walking forward so my feet don't backtrack
While a part of me, silently, waited on your porch.

Well, life is such I guess
So much to confess yet let it go unsaid
And I'll keep walking even if it snows
Even if I am dying inside, you won't ever see it on my face
For I love you much to die incognito yet with grace.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Not even death can do us apart

A gush of air was this love
it storms in yet again
every time my heart draws a picture of you
I wonder why blood freezes in my veins.

Engulfed in a haze I lay by your side
In the dead silence, I yearn your voice
Flowers strewn, a few candles still alight
With my veil still in place, I look the perfect bride.

They came and tried to talk me into going home
I leaned in closer, clung to you as a baby
the bridesmaids, the best man, our dads and moms
stood helpless as with tears I tried melting away your name on the stone.

Why is no one getting a word I am screaming
It's my man in here, don't you see
Our vows are yet to be recited, my ring is still in the box, gleaming
..."commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust"... continued the priest.

As they lowered you down
An excruciating pain ran through me
my heart stopped, I crumbled to the ground
The irony of it all shattered me to pieces.

I could hear them faintly, alarmed
It grew a little more silent every millisecond
How I wished you rose and scooped me up in your arms
It's never happening again, I reckon.

Infinite static charges ran inside
as I felt your finger glide over my neck
A twirl and I saw the light in your eyes
Embracing, you planted a peck.

Horrified I was, to see myself lay frozen there
as here I stood in your warm sunshine
tears rolled down my cheeks to see him break
as dad brushed hair off my eyes and kissed his baby goodbye.

The instant they laid us down together in a grave
A wedding took place in the skies
With rings in place, with vows exchanged
Heaven pronounced us Man and Wife.

*..."You may now kiss the bride"...*

P.S. Click a picture, please.
this is as perfect as it can be.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Picture from: The Vow

Smile

When the world sleeps and the stars shine
In the darkest hour of the night
Some half-burnt pages from memories I re-read and then ignite
Hugging the eerie silences
with a few lost tears adorning my eyelashes
I whisper your name
the ring of which is my lullaby
the echo of which runs through the sky
As the galaxies swoop down to kiss the baby good night
In a maze of dreams, we finally reunite
And in my sleep, I smile.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Oh so far yet so near...

I held it when blazing
I held it keeping my calm
I held a piece of universe
on top of my palm.

I kept it so close
I never paused to see
I was on fire
now the ashes are here to speak.

It's an ecstatic state to be in
It's a star-gazing night in this cemetery
It's a wait-and-watch crazy dream
to rise from those ashes and catch universe, yet again.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Disclaimer: The picture has been taken from http://bit.ly/za9sIp

Time-turner

I wonder if being assertive ever hurt

for all I know it gave everyone what they thought

or if not that, maybe a chance to give it a try

at least a satisfying feeling to not have to cry

affixing the seal of past

in the future's passport

To not stay up nights

or screw up days

Self-drowning the poor little blood-pumping, life-giver in an ocean of reminiscence

And living with a smile on face when the majority knows it's a pretense.

I wonder if we stopped wanting

would the things still come to us

for as the famous saying goes

the universe conspires so.

But then how will one live

with no dreams, no desires

to have no wish

that one would want to see as reality
before they close their eyes forever,

to have no hand to hold

while the lips slowly speak of a life gone by

as the memories twirl inside,

as tears glide
as life pens down the final words
to the final chapter

and ends the script with a period.

I wonder how to feel

having known this awhile now

that I played my own destiny

Erasing away the 'Never', that preceded 'Meant to be'.

And then I grab a jacket

hanging in my closet

Fasten up my laces

glance around at few faces

Pull on the hoodie over my head

Play the paused rap

and run...

leaving behind ashes of a love

melting away the pain

forgiving myself for the bad choices

that landed me, at times, in crisis

forgetting everything I never got

and dream on

yet again.

If I stand empty-handed today

with my heart still beating

in sync with my breath

with no second thoughts on adding

a time-turner on my wish list,

I already have fought my fiercest war

I already have breathed life in myself

staring in the eye of death.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

I Rise

I come, I stay
But you, you run away
I've never, in my life
So openly, criticized
But things have gotten molten ice
And I say no much yet despise
To have held your hand when you cried
Oh yeah, it's the same me, you don't recognize.
So take back your shit
U need it to suffice
And me, I've got enough grit and wit
that I can stand in front of your eyes
And claim to hypnotize.
I wonder why I chose you
No matter what, I'd hold on
While your every action was a calculated move
How I now opened my eyes and saw me as your pawn.
Go away
I don't care to reply to your 'Happy Valentine's Day'
When everyday has been the hour of death
took me a while to believe how you smuggled my breath
Give it a rest
The love I confessed is lying crestfallen in a mess
Of memories and dreams, I detest
In the graveyard where I cast a part of me
is where the rest of me visits every night
And no, no feelings hatch
no love signals catch
I let a few breezers sink
Since I'm not too fond of hard drinks.
And when the music is on
I sway along
All thanks to you
For hurting me so bad
That I,
Strong as ever
With no strings attached,
Party every night.
With every swig
With every beat
And tap of my feet
I breathe
I live
I Rise.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Venomous meditation

It never took me minutes, maybe fraction of seconds
to convince myself to give this another chance
but the way I felt inside
the crushed-to-the-core everyday brunt I bore
finally, a writhing heart spoke
be glad, it wasn't your name
be glad it didn't cuss or complaint
all it said was 'If this is love, keep me out'
'If you call this being loved, why I cry every moment, out loud?'
And being questioned by your own self
is something I never had dealt with
I heard your forever promises echoing in my head
and then your last words danced around, how you wished I was dead.
So, I changed my stance.
Not getting mingled in your maze again
I am not doing this to and fro dance
I clicked my heels, walked away, no last glance.
And today, where ever you are I want you to know
I have set ablaze the past and here I blow the smoke in your face
Although I always thought there never would be someone to take up your place
but guess what, I stand corrected.
I don't diss you much
But I ain't gonna kiss and make up
The void is now replaced
with the venomous meditation I profess
with my headphones on
with sweat rolling down my face
in a moment where I AM
in a moment where I BELONG.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

What was, is and remains...

Carefully wrapped
kept aside
Finally left to an unfinished end
A catastrophic story in time.
Beautifully ignored
yet when sung, it rhymed
a lullaby to you, it is
my life, what was.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry