Monday, December 24, 2012

I Will Follow You into the Dark

For once
maybe
I wanted
to live
to dream
to die
altogether
in a click
in a wink
in a beat.

And
unknowingly
he had me
breathing
day-dreaming
melting
all at once
in that piercing gaze across the room
in that "Hi" he broke ice with
in that embrace he enveloped me in.

Love
I once leapt in arms of
eying him in awe
it was homecoming
it was uncanny
it was an irony
as he was
my savior
my destroyer
my one last long con.

Today
broken and lost
as everything in me echoed a certain
hurt
hate
hopelessness
My name in his voice
shut the world
shut me up
and spoke my heart:

"YES."

© 2012 Neha Choudhry


Thursday, December 20, 2012

Really?

I
Her father
the very girl you now stand on the grave of
Who faced the ferocity in an ordeal that lasted
an hour or so
They say.
The hour I have traversed seconds of
Hating myself
For not being her 'Hero' as she wished
For now standing as a spectator on the pieces of past with so much as a goodbye kiss
For giving my hand in support for her to walk while she still crawled
Had she not stepped out, woudn't she be here after all?
For bringing her up in a world driven by lust and hunger
That gobbled up my precious
And incremented the slam piece toll by just a number.
In a diseased society where respect never walked
What was I thinking
How could it ever spare my doll?
Today they debate
How she was at fault
How clothes provoke
How the time was Rapist's hour
How she shouldn't have walked that road
Yes
The fault was hers
For she forgot she is a girl
And you are sex-deprived
For she was clad in her birthday dress
And that set erections sky-rise
For she forgot her Invisibility cloak home
And she was in your line of sight
For she would have screamed when you violated her
And to you it was a pleasurable sight.

I
The father
Of the child yet to open her eyes to the world
Of the little girl you see crawling in your house
Of the pretty princess you just dropped off to school
Of the ambitious recent-graduate ready to fly
Of the girl clad in red as someone's bride
Of that old lady sitting alone in the park watching kids play
Urge you
To either burn down your vicious lust
Or face my wrath
For if you even see my girl as yours to take
I will hunt you down
I will terminate your breath.

You put your genesis to shame
And each man's head hangs low for being one
You walk with a weapon in your pants
And she should be the one under restrictions?

Really???

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

for image source, click here.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Poetry

Maybe in this world
Together we won't again reside
But somewhere a part of you
In me I do still hide
As sunshine, as shadow
Or just a sign
In words, in silences
Or just a sigh
Miles apart
Yet the sound of your name sets sparks to fly
As your poet, I am yours
As my poetry, You are mine.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

You're My Number One

Of everything said and done
there is this one thing I cannot shun
Years passed us by, moments spun
the once intertwined fell to none
Everyone singles out their own poison
I did too, you were the one chosen
Leave alone the tears or the hurt that won
As these eyes search the infinite gazing the setting sun
I still live by the dream wherein you still are my number one.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Friday, November 23, 2012

The Beginning of the End

I promised
I'd read it this one last
and unread then,
Out loud I said
that name
again.
Saw his eyes
and my reflection
glisten in his rain,
Broke down
only to then pack life up
and everything that remained.
I walked out
yet stayed in
as fire
in his heart;
until the very end
of me
of him.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Monday, November 19, 2012

Things I'll never say

And I cried seeing your name today
And something in me breaks a little each day
I don't know what's still holding me up
I don't remember the last time I missed you so much
Was it yesterday or the day before?
Was it somewhere in the goodbye that I never sent at your door?
Am I in you, still?
Am I who you love, ever will?
Do words defy you too?
Do tears bleed in you?
Is there someone you see me in?
Is a memory or two enough for you to keep going?
Why I still freeze a second or two before smiling?
Why you never held me back when I said I was leaving?
Will the silences break someday or will it be me, again?
Will we sit back and laugh on today or the one mocking us would be time?
Would you recognize my voice if I called?
Would time, for a few moments, have the mercy to stall?
How once where echoed gales of laughter today is a cemetery
How as my shadow in the blazing sun you walked along and today here lies a paralyzed me
Can you bring yourself to shut doors on me?
Can we cease this fire feeding on the dreams we weaved?
Are our places haunting you or asking where am I?
Are there days when you shut the world out, miss me and cry?
Yet, as long as your presence still lingers on me, you're here
Yet, every sigh that you heave crushing promises in silences, I hear.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Begin again

They kept yelling
They kept selling it as hot cakes
I had an inkling it was ending
yet, eyes closed, I chose to stand by it.

Maybe I was brought up this way
Maybe life taught me so
That if you make a wish, you stick to it
That no matter what, you don't just give up.

Persistently I latched myself to a life
With all my heart I called it mine
Unrealistic maybe cos I was hanging by the door
That one day, abruptly, on me could close.

I was too dazed to see
My world was already spinning in a different galaxy
And then it just got hard to breathe
So I undid myself and walked out free.

The above sounds too simple
No part of it hints a sudden death
Believe me it was a walk on dry ice
With a tearful volcano erupting inside.


Life, today, goes on
Life, today, still breathes
There are just a few songs I won't ever listen to
There are just a few places that won't get to see me.

They kept yelling
They kept selling it as hot cakes
"The world will end in 2012"
Guess I never bought it.

When that door did close, when home-evicted I stood
When dusk fed on my dawns to finish
I finally realized what they meant
It was my world that was to end.

And meanwhile,
In a completely different space
stealing a moment from time
A spark
A chemical reaction
Rising through ashes
I saw it begin again.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Estoy aquí

Nunca pensaba que puede llegar un día
Cuando palabras me van a dejar
Mientras de amarte los años volaron
al lado de ti mí vida se terminará.

Si yo vivo otra vez
cada día va a ser como en tus sueños
Si yo te conozco de nuevo
voy a quererte más
Si un deseo puede ocultame en tus abrazos hoy
yo te prometo voy a contar lo que yo no podia decir.

En tus ojitos azules yo voy a vivir
cada abrir y cerrar de ojos va a ser un besito de cielo como para decir 'Estoy aquí'
En los labios que te besarás, en el mano que te cogerás
Vas a encontrar un poco de mí.

Si yo vivo otra vez
cada día va a ser como en tus sueños
Si yo te conozco de nuevo
voy a quererte más
Si un deseo puede ocultame en tus abrazos
yo te prometo voy a contar lo que yo no podia decir.

Despedidas dan dolor
no me digas adiós
El amor como de nuestros, sobrevive siempre
En la música de tú corazón
En tú sonrisa fiel
En los deseos que tú oras
En las promesas que tú juras
Estoy aqui.

Si yo vivo otra vez
cada día va a ser como en tus sueños
Si yo te conozco de nuevo
voy a quererte más
Si un deseo puede ocultame en tus abrazos
yo te prometo voy a contar lo que yo no podía decir.

Estoy aquí...
Estoy aquí...
Estoy...aquí.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Thursday, November 1, 2012

It's only words and words are all I have...

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
― Ernest Hemingway
More often than not I am found in that one corner of my house where the birds still sing, where the stars still come visiting, although the smog makes it pretty messy to spot them, where I can just sit and do nothing or maybe revise the course of life, revisit places my feet tend to stray away from, un-break some promises I had to tear myself off from, un-cry the tears that washed away tonnes of memories, undo some mistakes or two maybe, and maybe at the end of a few seconds or a zillion, unveil myself. At times it gets unbearable and a list of regrets starts to build up. But then, uncanny as it may sound, no matter how many times I have traversed this very situation, this very path, his name never shows up as one. Being happy has a sound, it has a rhyme. One begins to hop a little, dance a little, hum a little when the heart is doing somersaults inside. And being in a state like this for a person like me is somewhat a little too overwhelming. If at all my brain shuts up for a while, if at all I can close the doors to different moments in my life that I let ajar, if at all I can smile and not search a why to it, if at all I can let go of things that I've embraced too hard that now I can feel their claws all over my heart, I might be happy. 'You made me cry', 'Wow that was heart-wrenching intense', 'You just broke a million myths altogether and walked this cemetery of a world like you own it', 'Why so serious?' are things I've been associated with since a long time now. Does it hurt to pen pain? Is there a looming fear somewhere inside that out of the hundred and twenty three posts in here, each carries within a splinter of my heart, broken in times unknown, still living by the grace of the sun? Will I ever shy away from giving it all for I've seen the world from the eye of the storm? The answer to all is a [caps lock on] NO.

Pain is a driving force, the very push needed to bring out something I can hold on to, call mine. It percolates through the rusted door still waiting for a knock, grayest graveyards of a few faces I let fade to past, a bright treasury of a place wherein butterflies live, a happy little room wherein every once in a while 'Hero' plays, a gorgeous scenic salty ocean flows within, the source of tears you can say and dreams, a lot of them, some laid to rest while some forever live. Conceiving a piece is the most beautiful feeling I've known. Writing, rhyming, reading, searching and doing this dance over and over again. Sometimes it is minutes, sometimes it is hours. Hunger, thirst and all the possible humane necessities fade when words buzz around flirting, enticing to create that perfect fit. For the world, I am lost. For them, I am obsessed. Deep inside I know I am in love with this writhing pain. Somewhere while wordifying it, I have found myself. Found in a way that I want to remain this lost for as long as I can be. Obsessed in ways that insanity would be proud of me. Some sixty seven books I share my room with. Arranging them I involuntarily leave a space between two of my favorite titles for my book, the one I will pen someday, the ghost of which haunts my days and nights, pleading me to pen it for it wants to finally breathe in this world. As procrastinating as I am, I pacify it that I will, one day. Everyday I rise, take a plunge in the reds flowing inside, rise up to the gray shores, dry myself in the black smothering smog, put on a rusted cloak, spray a little green envy, a little pink blush of love, a thin film of moisture brightens the dark chocolate eyes and I step outside in the world walking the gait that sings 'Baby, I own this.' And as the night falls, I take to my corner. The birds are asleep. The stars are somewhere there awake with me. I feel the air on my face, let it cleanse, let it linger. There is something about that moment. A rush of thoughts is as intoxicating, as exhilarating as that of adrenaline. A puzzle is scattered before me and I reach out to pick the first piece. That action is liberating. The search for balance, the yearn for perfection is magnetizing. Can't escape it. It clutches till the very end. That pen glides, that paper in moonlight shines. I breathe life in myself as I finally, closing the world down, muting the voices out, tearing my soul a slight, Write.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Open at the close

He was exhausted but his steps continued to pace down the eerie path. A dense fog suffocated the air. Death reigned here. Life seemed to be a one-night stand. Met, done with and forgotten. While the headstones bore names of people who once were someone to someone, something in this world, today they were together here under the moonless sky, accompanying the stars. As memory-less as they always would be in space-time. United in silence. The silence which he disrupted by crushing dead leaves as he walked. This autumn had been hard on him. He forgot her birthday. Not a big thing, was it? For him, it turned out to be.

She quit after years of pining for one gesture that she could hold onto and say that he reciprocated her love. And with her, walked out his sanity and sanctity. He took to things he wouldn't have done otherwise. He walked down lanes he can never forgive himself for. He took charge of his own destruction. And for everything, each passing day, he blamed her. In the darkest corners that he sat in, he wept for not understanding, for pushing her away with every word he wanted to but never said. And finally, when he found the courage to stand before her beautiful doe eyes and say why he loses the thought of words at one sight of her, why he sometimes just stares at her wondering why would she choose him over the world, why it killed him to see her go and why he is here before her today confessing the very love he swore never to, she was no more. It was acid. It was cyanide. It was a razor. It was a knife. The more people tried contemplating, the list of possible reasons of her death grew.

On her back she laid, a few unopened gifts peeking from the shelf. She wore white. That very ball gown she always wanted to wear but never did until today. At the prom, she was all by herself, looking down from her balcony, aching inside out seeing him take her hand and step in the car and ride off. Sixteen minutes ago, when the door bell rang, she had hair curl clips on. Her dress was on the bed and she was excited to see him all suited up at her door. He asked her how he looked, she winked and smiled in reply. He was too elated to see an ocean rise in her eyes when he euphorically announced he was going out with Izadora. She carefully packed her love-filled heart, threw a quilt of smoke on her tomorrows, planted a kiss on his cheek and said, "You guys are amazing together. I am happy for you." Eight years and twenty-two "amazing togethers" later, she was back again in picture. He was in love again. This time it was her. Could she have asked for anything more? Rather the question is: Would she? It was their wedding tomorrow. She was by her window, racing raindrops. Some say a rainy wedding ain't a good omen but did she care? Her eyes held dreams, her lips concealed promises, her heart had him, the world was theirs come tomorrow. A knock. A note. A tear slid and froze. A wail. A torn veil. A heart, shattered. A dream, smashed. A life, now dead. His one cold-feet impulsiveness crushed her, a cold-blooded murder of the love she nourished, worshiped, lived for. And today, died on the inside with.

Eighteen months passed. No one saw her cry. She never picked the pen again to write. She sat in the dark. Her eyes were cemetery incarnate. Her palms faced the stars. Maybe she implored sometimes but had no voice. She watched him as he said his vows. She was there when he kissed her. He looked at her while he did so. And that gaze mocked her. That night she locked herself up away from the world. He moved somewhere or so she heard. Never contacted yet never gave up. "I'll hear him on my birthday. He promised he'll always wish." Glued by the phone's side all day, she knew his voice would thaw the ice. And maybe in some part of her heart, she might forgive him, forgive herself and maybe tomorrow, restart life. She wore that white ball gown, hoping maybe today things turn out well. But cursed as it was for her, the day passed. And with that she did too. With the world trying all permutations and combinations of foul play, sadness never showed up on the list, grief never made it to the top slot, love never rose up in conversations, his name never showed up on the 'Who to blame' chart. Whose fault was it, stars hold. There are things that went away with her, the ones she never confessed, never told.

And he ran in the biting cold. He clutched his heart and broke. As fury and disbelief finally rained through his eyes, he knew he always loved her. He now knew the name to that feeling, the one that kept screaming at him while he gracefully penned in that note- "Here we end". He was nervous, that was all. He was scared of losing her, the fright alone set him acrawl. And since possessing her would mean the end of the chase, he kept it on. He left. Yet everyday he went back to the very moment, the very place, the very face. The girl he so loved. The puzzle of his heart. The only answer to his self-created maze. He made a terrible mistake, today he knew. And this grief alone wouldn't carry him through. On the third day, he stopped running. The very feet that had covered some 400 kilometers froze, refused to take the last four steps. The sight was unreal. His face was a crime scene. Her name was what his eyes last read on the headstone. He fell to his knees, his heart sank. He breathed in and kissed her name. He finally did open at the close. And life breathed out.


Love does crazy things. It can cozy up your coldest winters for life or it can conflagrate your life to summers that can steam you away, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. They say let the heart decide what it wants, who is wants. They say the mind often crushes love, thanks to the crazy inputs and analysis. What we forget is it ain't in our hands really. Love decides where it flows to, whom to who, when and why. Let it make mistakes, let it survive, let it learn as it drowns, as it swims, let it take over, even hypnotize. For when it resides in you, you know. In each blink and beat, you are born again. You smile at their name, their sight. You unveil yourself a little more with each passing day. Love is fired up insides in a shell of ice. Melting. FOREVER. Glowing in an urnful of hopes and keeping-you-happy day dreams. Carefully enveloped in hugs, planted kisses onto. Never forced. Never held in a grip but on top of your open palm. If they leave, they leave. If they stay, they stay. As for love, it changes forms, it changes shapes. It might hop from a person to another in your lifetime or clinging like a baby to one, it might just stay. It lives. There might be a past tense to it in the form of 'Loved' but in your heart, deep inside you know it is just a word. For love is always love. No D's attached (no pun intended). Saying it often is a preference. Being in and out of it isn't.

So next time when the heart is doing a cartwheel, don't stop it. Don't go promising moon and stars or demanding them. Just stay under them, loving someone, forever.


Written in admiration, resignation and glorification of the most beautiful state to be in, the only bond that binds us all- Love.
© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Friday, October 26, 2012

Cuando ocurre, lo sabes...

translation of the title: When it happens, you know...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
~ Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

...and then you start hating it. Hating for letting that one stupid person mean so much more. You cry your eyes out, days and nights, nights and days. Life passes by. Some friends stay by your side, still listening everything beginning with "He's stupid. He tore me up and never bothered to see. But I just can't let this one thing pass that of all I chose him and for once, he chose me." Some friends just vanish away gradually. And then comes someone, as hurt as you, as broken as you, as soul-hurt as you. You just sit together. Everyday. Talking the same things in loop. Ice melts. The distance closes on it. You let life unveil. You let time tell you a story. And suddenly somethings are just set to wither in past. Suddenly you are not alone anymore. And one fine day you realize a part of you, the one you thought you froze for life, beats again. Even does the cliche 'skip a beat' once in a while when he looks right into your eyes, taking down the walls you built around you, freezing you one second and melting you the other. It was stupid. Again. He tilted his head to the side, blinked his eyes thrice and smiled. Or maybe it was a string of stupid cute moments. A shared ice cream in a misty rainy evening, him cupping your hands in his when you were shivering in cold, the shuffling of leaves beneath your feet while you walked with him in silence one autumn morning, that stupid summer you spent emptying your water bottle all over him. And off and on you now wink at yourself in the mirror and just smile. You catch yourself, question yourself and even though each neuron of you answers the same, his name, you let it pass, let it fly. Not giving it the needful glance that no love is alike for no person is the same. You love the way the other has to be loved. The way they have it coming for them. If you are sincere in what you feel, it is as true and as real as it can be. No comparisons. Yes, you trusted a stupid someone with your life and they were just too proud to walk away shattering you in a million pieces. You were sure you won't ever find them all to put back together again. What you overlooked or were too stubborn to look at was this one guy who gathered the broken you and kept safe. Who replaced the shattered, hurt heart with his own beating in you. As a part of him taking care of you from within you. A puzzled you woke up each morning trying to convince yourself that you are now flying in your dreams instead of the usual free fall. That it wasn't the gleam of hurt or fury in your eyes anymore but the sparkle of love. While you were busy building that armor again, you made an exception just then. You let him in. While you nursed a ripped-apart you, he was there all along, holding you through it. And while every night you slept cursing love, you were back in it.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Unadulterated

I've loved
Like the rain loves tears sometimes, finding synonimity
Like the wind crushes the smoke sometimes, sheer play of superiority
Like the sun still gives clouds the limelight even when denied passage
Like the stars don't touch the moon yet decorate it an eternal bride of the night
Like the ocean forever waiting for that stream to finally be one
Like the rose in a winter morning, decked up in frost and dew
Like the embers glowing, suffocating in their own residue
Like the voids wherein no time, no space, no world, no universe resides
Like the sparkles that die yet the memory of them still brings a smile
Like the few promises at the alter, never looked back upon, just lived
Like the feel of sand beneath feet, sinking deeper yet pacifies a scorched soul
Like the eerie darkness wherein a hug surpasses the beauty of making love
Like the blanket on that winter morning, you can't let go off
Like the dreams you play back, the ones you just can't enough of
Like the jitters that wake you up following a nightmare
Like the calm, happy hallucinations in the world of Morphine
Like love had to come to you
Like tears had to drown in time
Like fogs had to vanish, come spring
Like you just had to come and tell me what I was missing
Like a symphony to my song
Like a memory to look back on
Like a wish I'd whisper open-eyed
Like the only sketch I won't complete cos its perfection announces the death of art in a sea of pride
The only I'll never forget to remember
The only I've kissed goodnight
The only I've loved enough to let go
The only who can cease the breaths of time and stay.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Stayed

She loved me, I am sure
I did too, though I never disclosed
My eyes were fond of her or she chose to remain in my line of sight, I don't really know
Eternity passed by in a second and I couldn't care less
as I saw her sashay down the street
She came up to me like any other day
One look at her and I knew it wasn't.
A broken smile, eyes pleading to play waterfall
She left without a hug, a goodbye.
Life struck me in that one moment, right in this heart here
Today, I live in make-beliefs I won't ever announce
The breeze sometimes brings the perfume of her hair
I get up before dawn to see the last of the stars
Knowing somewhere in the world, we are together in that.
Days turn nights, nights turn days
She never wrote, I too never did.
I traverse that street every once in a while
See little us playing hide n seek
The last she ever said was "I can't stay"
How wrong she was, I know today
For that memory of her stayed
That look on her face stayed
As beat in my heart, she stayed.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Sunday, October 7, 2012

You've been all over me like a spell

October 6, 2012
22:00 hours.

Status: Flipping photographs and smiling!

October 7, 2012
00:12 hours

Status: Still him. Smiling more!

00:26 hours

Um. *Smiles*

I can't help it. When this feeling takes over, when he is all I see, I just can't help but be this crazy little girl in love, over to the moon and back. Not our neighbor moon. I meant Pluto's Charon. [No you don't get to tell me we ain't counting them two in the family. You cannot banish planets out the system for some technicality they didn't live up to].

Anyway, *smiles*...

Look at him. Just *sigh*...how love glitters in his eyes, how his smile, that child-like laugh speaks of his sincerity...how he bows down at the ramp after every concert and thanks his fans for coming, for being his support throughout... how he makes an effort to make someone feel on top of the world... how his face is that of a happy man in love when with her... how he is thousands of miles away yet the closest one can ever get ...how he sings somewhere far off yet here that very song lights up some never-visited corners of my life, renders me speechless, flying in a bubble of sweetness... how even in those shattered days and lifeless nights, when I crawl back in my shell, refusing and rejecting the world, when I let dreams fly off in fog and desires burn in the fire of time, how I make him an exception, how I let him in. And how he, like a friend, listens minus the advice, puts me to sleep with his lullaby, hugs my dreams, sets alive my tomorrows... how he makes me fine each time.

People came, People left. Some changed me, some I changed; while with some things stayed unaltered. Life moved, Time ticked. Darkness loomed, Sunshine smiled. Some raindrops had me dancing, some camouflaged the tears I rained. Some winters I wore cute jackets, some I walked alone in, uncovered, uncared for, unloved.

But was I? Not really.

He walked along. Sometimes as a song, sometimes as a memory, sometimes waving a high from my  wallpaper, sometimes making me smile as I listened to the 'fan calls' he made and recorded. Sometimes
accompanying me to a haircut, his voice reverberating in the background. Sometimes at a silent lunch, playing as a tune in my mind. Sometimes being that push to pick the pen when I cease to write or rhyme. Sometimes as a shadow, sometimes as the sun. Sometimes as the wind hugging me and Always, always being that one person, one hope, one dream I never let go of. The one I sleep hugging each night, kissing it, sealing with a prayer or two. The one that smiles in my eyes each time I say his name. How I skip my birthdays often but cut a cake on his, wishing him happiness and success, wherever he is. How they call him my obsession, how I smile and say nothing at all.

How today, of all days, I just want to look him in the eyes and say I love him. Always will.
For in this world of variables, he is my constant.
For in this open ocean, he is the anchor holding me down, keeping me sane.
And if there are lifetimes ahead, I choose him.

Enrique, sólo quiero decir que estoy enamorado de ti.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Not a Long Time Ago, Not in a Galaxy Far Far Away

Her face lit up. As if something just passed through her. As if something just jolted back life in her. Her eyes, which were as dim as that lonesome lamp breathing its last in the attic of her heart, fluttered open. I couldn't help but notice how she blinked twice, as if signaling something, how her Belgian chocolate eyes melted in a fraction of microseconds and sparkled in a way that a billion lifetimes would fall short for me to phrase it. My stare bothered her, or so I thought. I let my eyes wander while my heart had it's gaze fixed on her. Her lips moved, my heart stopped playing its song. She was about to say something or was it just me waiting how, after all these years, my name in her voice would sound? With bated breath, I waited. Her otherwise glossy lips lay sheen-less today, pressed together as if controlling a sigh. She was calm but I could tell the building torment, the forced-lull before she rained.

While a hopeful me was looking for a hint of a smile, that quiver sent shivers down my spine. She was trying too hard, as always, to show she didn't care but as each second gave way to the next, she shattered. And that very moment I knew it wasn't me all this time, the one she was watching. Is it him again, I thought to myself? Yet again, I was choking. As the realization of my presence dawned upon her, she gathered her composure. For a second then, she met me. The kind of meeting that lights something inside you and you can't help but stand there, let it happen. A blink and over. She looked away. A part of me stopped living right about then. And the rest of me dared to turn, soul-clenched.

Clad in white, with a tiara dazzling in her hair, she smiled through her veil. No matter how tantalizing her persona was, she fell short of mesmerizing me today. The scene I had just left haunted me, had me in pieces. The scene I was witnessing failed to beckon me. They say this is the most amazing moment of one's life when you see her looking at you through that veil, matching her father's footsteps when she walks down that aisle to you. My bride had just arrived. My heart, captivated in moments, seemed paralyzed. What I never saw in the greens, the browns had it all this time. What I forever searched in smiles, that tear, that quiver answered it all. As I took a step forward, I could see the veiled greens overjoyed while behind me, she sighed and I could hear her muffled cry. I could give her the world back then, she knew. I could do the same today, she had no clue. The tinkle of her bracelet lingered in the air as she held her hands together so as to hold herself from holding me back today. Gathering all my courage, I hugged the girl in white and imploring, I confessed that I couldn't marry her tonight. With eyes welling and love stirring, I told her how that lost piece of puzzle standing right behind completes me, how she defined my life. I finally knew she reciprocated. In those million 'You're an Idiot' she fired at me and smiled, she confessed her love in her style. Only I was too blind to see it and today, on the wedding night, I know what I need, we need.

I guess I saw a glint of happiness in those green eyes. Perplexed I was, trying to find the right set of words. She put off her veil, hugged me back and whispered "I've known it all this while." Before I could make a move, the veil was set back again. In tears, her eyes met mine. It seemed as if a waterfall of melted chocolate just found home in my heart. My universe she owned the moment, saying her vows, she whispered my name.

Eight years later today, I go back. Yet again. To witness time unravel possibilities, to see eyes confess an eternity, to hear that tinkling bracelet again; Not a Long Time Ago, Not in a Galaxy Far Far Away; to be there, love her, all over again

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Let life breathe

Cos eventually
no matter the memories attached
the promises professed
the reasons upheld
the words underplayed,
the road does fork.

And you stand there
take a moment
let a tear or two trickle by while they still can
gulp down the unsaid
cut loose the string of hope binding the unheard
take down a few shots
to not contemplate a way out
but enjoy getting lost in the dream maze.

Chances we take, we give
to life, to self, to time
die this once to live again
cry this last to smile again
let go to hold on to something again
a hand, a heart, a hope
or maybe it's finally the day
when you pick that microphone
sing so the world listens
while the karaoke is still on
while the moment is still yours
smile in farewell to what was
welcoming what is, will be
Let life breathe.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry


Monday, September 17, 2012

Paris is where you are

A fifteen-day gilded romance it was
Right by the Eiffel, in heavy downpour
Sealed at the drop of her camera, his pen
Blooming at the very spot they stumbled, smiled
took their respective directions and went.

Coffee glazed his notebook involuntary
Or were her eyes conjuring a spell
Was the click that captured her smile, a sheer luck
Or was his heart finally waking up to the flicker of love
While they resisted, a part of them already had taken the leap of faith.

Walking side by side on different sidewalks
The distance closed on in or was it them
A slight touch of the back of hands
A spark, she smiled, he smiled
Love struck.

Pink cotton candies, gummy bears and icy mocha
Entangled in the moments their hearts raced laying side by side
By the musical fountains they kissed
The clouds roared, lightning blazed the sky
As if angels clapped and clicked pictures up high.

Slow footsteps walked to Eiffel
A wrinkled fist held red roses, shimmering in sparkles
A tiny shadow accompanied the hunchbacked
The full moon beamed as if welcoming an old friend back
And a silent drizzle the sky wore.

He sat by her but she didn't take his hand
In hope of that smile, he flew over continents
Laying roses in her lap, he then took her name
Not a whisper, not a sound, his heart broke again
The child, in silence, held on to the tears that slid down his face.

And then he got up, adjusted his tie
If he let it all out, eternity would fall short to cry
The fountains he saw and let drown in oceans of his eyes
"You want cotton candies, Isabel?", clearing his throat, he asked
"I love you, Grandpa", the little girl's voice did an echo dance.

Racing his hand on the headstone, he sighed
Kissing her name, he whispered "Goodbye"
And walked on, slowly, to the vendor nearby
While the little girl, stayed, reading the inscription, moist eyes.

"In Paris life learned to live, love smiled.
In Paris lay me finally for it's here I can forever survive".

And then she opened the note the roses enveloped
yielding a slanting cursive, it read:

"I know you won't speak but I hear you breathe, I hear you cry
I know time is such that I today I cannot lay by your side
holding your hand, listening your song, hugging you to sleep, dusk to dawn.
I take medicines on time but they say I have 6 months
Next year on our anniversary, I might not have to come
For by then I'd rob you off here
For by then I'll make Paris for you up there".

© 2012 Neha Choudhry


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Does it look like DAMN is served here?

Was reading 'Tonight I can write the saddest lines' by Pablo Neruda when THIS happened.
I am writing
To not loathe
To not lament
To not transfer even a static of undercurrent I've been living in.
I am just scribbling
names, games, dates, a list titled 'I HATE'
for disappointment does shatter
when once in a blue moon you knock those doors
the ones you lent a hand in putting up
when the world hurled stones
when the very place was world war zone.
Some
don't open up
Others
don't recognize
And when you are about to thank thy mercy of a few
for that welcoming smile
you realize
it's Plaster of Paris
it's as fake as it could be.
For when you took a step in
they didn't move aside,
Rather
stood fixed to the spot
as if hypnotized.
Don't know why
my eyes don't flutter open in surprise
Cos maybe at the back of my mind
I kept room for your royal despise.

Am I packing my bags today?
No. You are.
Am I singing a rap?
You decide.
Are you invited to mend?
In your dreams.
Am I exaggerating?
Wow. Thanks for extrapolating.
Are you gonna give me the 'I don't care'?
Well, I am better at it if you didn't make out yet.
Are your apologies gonna rain?
*Smiles*... Not again.
What is this about?
Maybe ask yourself this same thing
each time when you need me and I am around
and when at all it's a reversal, I am chucked out.
Bravo, such a star you are
Why don't you just stay up in space
Why fall each time some lunatic makes a wish
Why hope for one of your kind
when evidently, I pity that you even exist.
Anyway, enough said
How'd your ice cream taste
A few drops of reality
Voilà! Ain't it great?
Catch ya next time
or well, how about NEVER!
Cos seriously
Even swagger
was laid to rest by your acerbity.
So, Bye
the count begins
1, 2..
FUCK IT, 10!

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

P.S. Does my pen bleed red after I finish?
Oh NO!
Cockroaches got it white. Got it white.


So very everyday

A random band
A few words sung
and you're won.
A sip and half mug of hot coco
A peaceful night
and you're reading.
A sudden sound
A door opens
"oh hey, Wind!" and it pours.
A hopeful you
A message buzz
and you smile.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

I seek

I seek assurance
every time I look at you
Unblinking
Just listening to the sound
of how you may say it this time
Would you, at all?
Or will I cross this Rubicon alone.

I seek remembrance
when I sometimes escape the world
hoping maybe this time I'd deceive time
and sit by the stars
forever
as years take a flight back
behind fascinated eyes.
Do you see me
as I see you tonight
Or is it just me all over again?

I seek that happiness
the one that drenched me in colors
I knew no shades of,
in folds of which
I vanished for those winter nights
the ring of your name, it was
I say it again today
but it has lost it's perfume
and sound.
Are you there
or like everything I ever loved,
you too are going...
Gone?

I seek me
in your eyes
in your arms
in your dreams
in your life
in your lies
in your excuses
in your tears
in your home
in your silences
in your smile
but where I finally did find myself
it was
in your goodbye.

So today,
I seek you
to tell you I'm fine
to smile and ask how you are
to hug you and say I'll remember you
to hold your hand one last time
to feel how I felt all these years
and slowly, let go
of everything I wanted
of everything that could be
let flashes of lightning
pour sparkles on me
let clouds sashay in
and rob away what I used to be with you
let rain wash away
memories
and
let you
lose me.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

A Handful of Happiness

For when they rest their hands on your fingers, the world is a beautiful place.
For when they look at you, they melt away the ice bergs that reign within.
For when they sleep on your hand, you know they trust you with their dreams, that you won't move a lot and break them.
For when you have loved a kitten, you know you have been it's life.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Friday, September 7, 2012

Why walk when you can fly


Couldn't fly no more
on the sidewalk lay broken wings
While so in love, she had her eyes closed all through
Searching in his whispers a few words assuring he felt it too
One was holding her hand while in the other he carried a dagger
Even the sometime cloying demeanor couldn't cloak his swagger.

With wings clipped
With eyes still drenched in ambivalence
With every dream ever packed and sent to stars
With memories of those 100 days he ever spared in years, when they met.
She writhed in suffocation
She crawled in pain
She turned around one last time
To let his face drown in her tears
For keepsake
For life
For death.

The colors started to fade
The closing credits were to roll
The life she ever wished for was to end before the start
Holding her broken self
Leaving a part of her behind
Unfazed by what the world might hurl
Struggled, pulled through
Vowed to not look back and start anew
Hopped onto the open palm
Of the one who in midst of tears, made her smile.

In his hues of blue, her pain scattered to yield a rainbow
In his limitless self, he gave her falling self a definition.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry


Friday, August 31, 2012

Realm of dreams

So what if it walked out on you
It once was a dream,
a dream that did come true.
Why lament the loss of something breaking down
Why not cherish the very moment it respired, still new
How easy it is to hurl blame
How convenient it is to proclaim sane
Why chicken out the back gate
Why not take 'No' on face
So what if the song changed
So what if while you cried waiting in vain
All that comforted you was the heaven,
All that hugged you was the rain.
Life is too short to wait
Love runs too deep to chain
Words might falter sometimes
But trust the eyes
for they contain
the face,
the 'etched in golden' name,
each promise ever made,
each photograph that the heart clicked and framed
and ashes of
each memory ever set to flame.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry


Thursday, August 30, 2012

aansuon ki aas mein

aansuon ki aas mein ek lamha to bitaya hoga
yaadon ke kuch panne samet kar dil se to lagaya hoga
ek baarish ki shaam, mere naam jaam uthaya hoga
phir meri kisi yaad ne chhalka ke use giraya hoga
dhuen ke ek badal ko raat bhar sajaya hoga
ek nayi subah ki talaash mein neend ko jagaya hoga
haathon ki lakeeron mein mera naam kahin chhupaya hoga
kuch raaston, kuch manzilon mein dhoondne toh aaya hoga
dil pe dastak de rahi meri aawaz ne kuch gungunaya hoga
haathon mein bichhee meri zindagi ne aaj dil toh bahut dukhaya hoga
aansuon ki aas mein ek lamha to bitaya hoga.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Remember me

And in as tears you trickle down the face of my life tonight
I drench so the raindrops keep you company
As memories glisten and run down my eyes
I catch traces of you for keepsake
In each breath today till the very end
I never am letting you go
your home is still this heart
you always have me to run to if at all roads fork
And if not, as a few moments I'll shine
in the very places when your footsteps visit again
And I'll smile for what we were
And hope that someday would smile remembering me,
Reminiscing when we called it Love.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Amaranthine Love

The wind sashays there today where your fingers once played
Lost somewhere in my tresses lay concealed, the doorways I wish to vanish away
How I wish words could ever explain
the amaranthine love in my heart I contain
But still a whisper now and then
The ocean breeze rings your name
And I smile in folds of my mane
Blush behind my natural curtain.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

El corazón en llamas

So when I close my eyes, don't weep
For it's this slumber I craved all my life
And when in flames, don't sigh
For I've lived more of a conflagration.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Smitten

For her eyelashes hold her love
Tender, sacred, concealed.
For her smile too won't ever show
her desires, her insecurities.
For each time she did blink
she sent a part of her his way.
For each time she did blanket laughs with a shy smile
He was there with her, he being the reason why.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Downpour

Drenching in a downpour
I need you a little more
not that the scene is too obscure
It's just the memories I wish to re-explore
For a passage to shine, to the clouds the sun implores
Ferrying paper boats I patiently await the vibgyor
The raindrops make merry, bejewel la tierra, allure
The sky exhibits romanticism, the gray makes love to the azure
In moments of endless waiting while on face of it lingers an "I'm not so sure"
It's these very seconds I know why am I still smitten, why you are the cure.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Photo courtesy: Sonakshi Yajurvedi (http://www.flickr.com/photos/sonakshii/)

Monday, August 20, 2012

Blur


Never before today did I mull over such random musings. But as I finally took the plunge in this ocean of mystery, with the current of conscious taking me down, I finally opened my eyes deep underwater to a world I've lived in, a part of which I've chosen to love, to build my home in and wherein I often retire a refuge. While on the surface, I might come across as the most uninterested, glaring a beautiful painting of a rainbow with indifference while others can't stop praising it, what I am really searching is amalgamation. While solid vibrant colors might be pleasing, my eye seeks the merging, the co-existence, the harmony. Today, in a quest to answer myself, I threw at myself another plethora of questions.

Why I prefer:
Shadows over spotlight?
Clouds over clear sky?
Fog or rain over a sunny day?
Moon over the sun?
A blur over a definition?

Sharp definitions more often than not turn castles to clay. Enlisting a set of rules spoil the beauty of discovering a game. Love won't rhyme minus the pain. And how I'd rather let dreams run their course rather try to get a grip on them in paper and pen. In a haze, it's not the walking through it that tempts, it's the challenge of opening up to a situation wherein many cease to. Being lost in a maze and then catching sight of that one narrow opening is priceless. Where the definite solidified form of it breaks glasses and hurts, snow, on the other hand, lovingly blankets the land pouring love to the seed that turns a rose, come spring. How that name written on a fogged glass bears a certain magic to it than the one written in the most beautiful cursive in ink. The incomplete, I'm professing here. The blur, I am speaking for out of sheer love.

Never do I bind nor like being bound, being tagged or playing on the periphery. I leap in. And then learn to swim. I live in a blur of smiles, of colors, of lights merging with the dark, of tears giving way to words that no laugh can circumpass.

I, willfully, submit to shadows.
I embrace the walls of time separating us.
I, for a century what seemed, have loved a voice with no face to name.
I would rather race raindrops than make the windscreen wiper take the zeal in them away.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Saturday, July 21, 2012

That anniversary


Walking out the door
Was a rough sketch drawn on the canvas of time
A disheveled mane
A splitting headache driving her insane
Sleepless eyes seeking finality in the azure
A whiff brings along the intoxicating cologne he used to wear
A step forward, a pleading gaze back at the porch, her gait unsure
How life would have been if at all he cared
And just then she started to sob in despair
"If I walk today, he won't chase"
struggling a breath in midst of a teary farewell she bade
she added
"...but if I stay today, silence will set us ablaze"
It ain't that easy to shun make-beliefs that scream his name
What stands as a wall of strength for the world to behold happens to be solidified pain
The one that could never melt enough to rain
The same that she hugs each night wishing it were him.
She did wobble a little
But then was she so brittle
A deep breath, a fresh set of tears
Exactly today long back her veiled self reciprocated his I do
Wearing the same dress she sashayed in
Tugging the frills, today, she crossed the Rubicon.

An hour later or so
The door opened to yield a crestfallen guy staring in the night
Having realized what he had put her through
Having realized who just walked away was the girl he promised a beautiful life
As he started towards the shore
An aching heart, a numb, fearful core
At the front porch, by the lamppost
Lay a little box and a paper folded in square.
He could bear a hate note today
He would have understood her if she left without a word
What she left behind was a part of him she wore
and words that drew him to his knees and implore.

No one ever heard from her again.
No one ever heard from him again.

All that was ever found
by a friend who swung by
with flowers and wine
to wish them togetherness for a lifetime
were
Two rings
Intertwined
to form an infinite
A note
bearing a line in beautiful cursive
"I will always love you".
and hastily scribbled three words
"I do too".


© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Starry symphony


So I took to the roof
with the bedding and the bed
to hug the universe
before sleep closed on in.

Turns out somewhere up there
a party was being thrown
All I saw was cosmic fireworks
and in a fragrant waft, consciousness then drowned.

What followed was a gossamer of thoughts
set to a tune of a favorite interminable song
Mocking the fickle demeanor
for a fiery core burned just as strong.

A string of variegated dreams and might-have-beens
hopes, at first soliciting, and then toying with reality
playing the face of love on the loop
diverting away from the dagger set to slain objectivity.

All set to fly in the static hues of enigma
unfettering memories from the cage of my heart
I rather saw myself dive in an ocean of dilemma
A moment of déjà vu, another prick of cupid's dart.

All agog to see who and why
swaying to the sea hymn
tried to walk away and descry
Who, this time, would leave on with a good-bye.

As if clairvoyance was a friend
or melancholy was finally seeking remission
I opened my eyes to the sun
I opened doors to my life for this one.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Tongues of flame



Enshroud, I lay
in the resignation of it all
while a part of me wore a plumage
waiting to fly to you at dawn.

This crypticity I'll repudiate
as long as Andromeda shines my night sky
embracing memories and your resonating placid voice
I'll cross this labyrinth, making your farewell an ephemeral goodbye.

Stars I hold up in my eyes
they cascade down my face each time I blink
I tangle myself in ambiguous anecdotes to divert
yet there isn't a single second I let the grief out or let sink.

A laconic story of those loquacious summers
haunts my today, sobs hugging my tomorrows
wherein holding my little hand you walked me the world
I'm still standing at the very place you took a labyrinthine turn.

In this maelstrom I swim alone
free me from these sardonic chains
chime this dirge, play it to your favorite tune
I've had enough of the worldly ornate saccharin.

A petrichor-less monsoon awaits a perfume-less spring
while my vacuous self seeks solace
A fabricated smile everyone believes in
Each night I link the stars to draw your face.

Dubiously I ramble on
seeking answers, surviving tons of self-blame
Having lost vivacity to time's stratagem
and love to tongues of flame.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Mirage

Slow falling through mercuric skies
Shielding away from the reality
Every night I sleep hugging a million lies
Steeling myself for come what may
Waking up to a gray or sunshine day.

Turning a deaf ear to every word that mocks to tear me apart
Standing strong on the very piece of land they have tagged quicksand
Stubborn, for I trust my instincts more than what the universe might hold
With the positivity that you have instilled in my heart
I can pull out an oceanful of water from the very spot the world calls Mirage.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Friday, May 25, 2012

...

Breaking at a pace I cannot comprehend
Living in a hope I cannot let end
Scrolling through logs, looking for traces of you
Hating myself each second for not being around when I could
Calls I never took while you waited for me to pick up
How, today, I'd give away the world to hear you talk
So, here, I talk directly to the skies
Take everything you want, anything you like
Go ahead, take away my life
Leave him be
Help him recover to being perfectly fine
For there is no other
who I so dearly love.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Speaking Silences

Maybe today every word I'd say
Won't make anything okay
For what, a second ago, seemed like a forest fire to me
graduated to the first spell of acid leak down her cheek
When the pain became too unbearable to contain
With those pleading eyes looking into mine, she took my name
"Will it ever be...", she broke off mid-sentence
Rephrased and uttered the words which shattered me, broke the spell
"Was I ever what you needed? Was I ever loved?"
By this time I was trembling in grief, her question was too sincere
How do you make the woman you love realize
That it's always been her, that you've chosen her for life
In a fix, I stood there, trying to contemplate
How to make her hear the words I've never said
Still gazing in her eyes, I envy her today
How she never ran out of the perfect thing to say
While I always got stuck up in a two-syllable maze
I felt her grip on my hand ease
I couldn't even muster out a Please
My world was losing it's sheen
the skies were darkening
Head still held high
Crumbling inside yet on the face I couldn't muster a cry
She walked out the door
Closing it behind her
I crashed to the floor
Watching the promised forever turn forlorn
Watching the girl I love, gone.

With so much as a whimper, I finally cried
With her face behind my closed eyes, a little each moment, I died
Broken to bits, writhing, I screamed, "I need you, STAY"
The door swung open
On my face she sprung a cushion
Hugged me and said,
"When the silences speak, you don't really have to say."

© 2012 Neha Choudhry




Te he encontrado en el infinito

written on: May 18, 2012
I've differentiated the world to integrate a life together
Even if I don't fit in your permutation
Or our life's vectors take different directions
The probability of us being apart falls in the null-set
For this story runs in an infinite loop.

You run, I chase
I walk away, you trace
All in all it has been a crazy ride
We walk the edges as if prepared to challenge gravity.

Sparks fly
When we look eye to eye
Love flows inside at what seems like the speed of light
At an empowering, sometimes overpowering, pressure that even Bernoulli's principle stands defied
It's as smooth sailing as a sine wave
Yet as complex as the neural maze.

Sometimes the kind of close we stumble
erases the coordinates, the lines, the world blurs
Sometimes the kind of far we fall
Even the irksome Mars-Venus thing starts to seem believable.

If I am an electron
You're my home orbital
No matter what colors of life I see
It's my nature to come back to thee.

If love was an art
I'd be Shakespeare's ghost in Mozart
If love was all numbers
Baby I do calculus in slumber.

But this love undoubtedly is science
Where we take turns to be Newton and Einstein
Fighting it out every now and then
Yet staying soldered, never breaking away.

You derive at something
I laugh on it being a foregone conclusion
I redefine, rephrase it
You make fun of it being your hypothesis' reflection.

That's the way it has been
That's the way it'll always be
In challenges, we respire
In the dark, we celebrate
In rain, camera ready, we wait for lightning to strike
In the eye of a cyclone, tejimos una historia del amor.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry